Kill Kellyanne, Vol. II
Don’t let the headline fool you, I am not advocating killing anyone, least of all former Trump mouthpiece Kellyanne Conway.
I am just continuing my homage to the force of nature that is her daughter, Claudia Conway. The headline is just a cheap play on the Quentin Tarantino Kill Bill series, which – if you read one of my earlier posts about Claudia – reminds me of the bloodthirsty way this teenager has been torching her famous parents, the White House and virtually everything else in her path. It’s awesome!
As long as she’s not my daughter, I am 100% down with Team Claudia. She is truly the pop culture gift that won’t stop giving. No matter how much you want her to – ask her mother!
It’s crazy to imagine that anyone could be more effective at demonizing Kellyanne Conway than SNL’s Kate McKinnon. (Watch the “It” parody, “Kellywise,” here. It’s the best thing ever.) But when the call is coming FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE, well, that’s a twist you just can’t beat with a stick.
Today’s news is that Claudia is auditioning for American Idol. You know, that talent competition that was the first one, about a thousand years ago, before we had The Voice and The X Factor and America’s Got Talent and The Masked Singer, whatever the hell that is. It was the talent competition that introduced us to Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell, and reminded us why Paula Abdul had been in suspended animation since the 1980s.
I didn’t even know American Idol was still on the air! I’ve never watched a single episode of any of the derivative shows, except when my daughter and I were in Switzerland in 2015 and we saw the British version of the show. It was like a weird parallel universe, because there was a panel of four judges: three were British people we’d never heard of, and then there was Will.I.Am, from the Black Eyed Peas. He played the completely nonsensical American on the panel. We get Simon Cowell to scold us as if we’re peasant colonists, and they get Will.I.Am. to remind them why we are peasant colonists, worthy of their derision. That doesn’t seem fair.
Put Taylor Swift on that panel, bitch. Then try and judge us!
But I digress: Today I saw that Claudia, that Sweet Sixteen nuclear weapon, posted a video from her latest journey where she says she got to meet Ryan Seacrest and was going to have her audition later. Apparently, she is a somewhat talented singer, but I don’t find that interesting at all! There isn’t a scenario in which she doesn’t get picked to be on the show. She could be Gomer freakin’ Pyle and they’re still going to put her on the show. She has 1.4 million followers on TikTok – I’m pretty sure that’s more people than actually still watch American Idol!
That’s all I have to say today. I just wanted everyone to know that apparently American Idol is still a thing, and – sad to say, but I’m going to say it – we’re just going to have to watch it this season.
This is 2020 and we’ve all had to recalibrate somewhat. If you’re a glass-half-full person, it means we’ve all had to learn to appreciate the little things. Find joy in small places, and recharge our batteries to keep us going.
And if you’re glass-half-empty, strap in boys: this ride’s gonna get scary.